- In a recent interview, Terence Howard blamed Iron Man for killing his career. Which is crazy, because I had no idea Iron Man was in Red Tails.
- After a huge fourth quarter loss, the U.S. Postal Service is throwing a big party to raise money. Apparently we were all invited, but our invitations got lost in the mail.
- In Iran, snipers have been hired to exterminate mutant rats. In a related story, it’s been revealed that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is Shredder.
- Columbia College is offering a Bachelor’s Degree in comedy. The perfect degree for the student who thinks communications is too practical.
- According to a new Canadian study, Mother Teresa’s legacy was a product of hype. The study also concluded that God is, in fact, Wayne Gretzky.
I made this because I am dumb and by making it a movie reference, I can understand the economy… sort of.
- Yesterday, Chicago teachers walked out of school and went on strike. Although this is bad news for their students, it is good news for their risk of Diabetes.
- A Florida pizza shop is being boycotted after the owner bear hugged President Obama. You think that’s bad? I heard that during the Republican National Convention, Governor Chris Christie ordered three pizzas and received a reach-around.
- After President Obama surprised supporters at a Florida Democratic call center, Obama tried to help by making calls but had trouble working his iPhone. Apparently he couldn’t get Siri to answer “Who killed Bin Laden?”
- In a recent interview, Brad Pitt said he doesn’t feel safe unless there is a gun in the house. Luckily, Pitt hired a volunteer protector when he married Laura Croft - Tomb Raider.
- In Thailand, a man was busted for raising six tigers on his rooftop. In other words, Hangover 3 is in production.
- According to a new study, using the iPad before bed can lead to a poor night’s sleep. In an iPad owner’s defense, it is tough to sleep when your heart is racing from getting to the next level of Temple Run.
- Amid a budget crisis, New Jersey has eliminated the police department for one of their most dangerous cities. Police are asking residents to redirect all of their concerns to the Sopranos.
- It’s being reported that China may be the next country to land on the moon. Unfortunately, the mission might not happen because all of the rocket’s parts were made in China.
- According to a new study, pot smoking permanently lowers your IQ. Luckily, pot smokers nationwide are only considered with DQ.
- GM has suspended production of the Chevy Volt. In it’s place, GM has released a new ride that older Americans are sure to enjoy called the Chevy Chase.
- In Florida, Protestors dressed as giant vaginas were greeting republicans as they entered the Republican National Convention. Hopefully the vaginas were padded because they were surrounded by a sea of red state representatives.
- At a Wisconsin rally, Republican Rep. Paul Ryan teared up and said that his veins run with cheese. Upon hearing this, Governor Chris Christie ordered a palette of pepperoni and invited Ryan over for the weekend.
- Representative Paul Ryan said that his favorite band is Rage Against The Machine. Because nothing screams conservative more like blasting “Killing In The Name” with the windows down from your Volvo.
- According to a new study, binge drinking college students are more likely to be happy. In the same study, non-binge drinking college students are more likely to be employed after graduation.
- Today is National Radio Day. To celebrate, radio disc jockeys nationwide were almost acknowledged for the first time in 20 years.
- West Virginia University was named the top party school of 2012. The school was also voted the place where you would most likely fool around with a distant cousin that your parents never told you about named Courtney. I’m sorry, Courtney.
- According to a new study, obese people are more likely to get into car accidents. In their defense, it’s much harder to steer the car with a pizza box always getting in the way.
- A teen was hospitalized after play video games for four days straight. He told reporters that he neglected his health because he thought he could respawn.
- Recently, a 4.5 magnitude earthquake rocked Los Angeles. Residents are blaming the quake on the rise of obese tourists.
- A new study says that oral sex cures morning sickness. The study was conducted by a group of expecting fathers.
- The NYPD has unveiled a high-tech crime fighting system. It took a few tries but their forensic scientists were able to mutate four karate-trained turtles.
- Chris Rock said that he’d like the Presidential Race to be more like a fistfight. Upon hearing this, Mitt Romney took a precautionary measure by purchasing Manny Pacquiao.
- A Penn State University bookstore began selling NCAA t-shirts that say “National Communist Athletic Association.” In response, the NCAA will only recognize PSU as Pedophilia Secrets Uncovered.
- In Oregon, a man was sentenced for collecting rainwater on his own property. Which chalks up another reason as to why nobody wants to live in Oregon.
Today, I lost a dear friend. I retired my Shitty Ideas book. I’ve carried my shitty ideas book in my butt pocket(quite appropriate) since March of 2012 and it’s time that I flush the book of all of my brain droppings. If my notebook could talk, it would quote Danny Glover and say, “I’m getting too old for this shit.”
All was not lost today. Today birthed my new, hip California memo book dubbed “Unfiltered Thoughts.” This book was a gift from a dear friend who thought that Shitty Ideas was not a fitting title.
Tonight’s feast: Snack pack and Fritos. The Perfect dinner to say, “I don’t care anymore.” (Taken with Instagram)
- In a recent interview, Mike Tyson was asked what Evander Holyfield’s ear tasted like. Tyson said he couldn’t fairly answer because as quickly as he ate it, he regurgitated it into the mouths of his birds.
- A bachelorette party mistook three police officers for male strippers. Instead of reading the party their Miranda rights, they just told them that their friend Miranda was wrong.
- 50 Cent is in trouble for calling one of his fans autistic on Twitter. That takes a lot of guts from someone who talks like a Stroke victim.
- Recently New Jersey Governor, Chris Christie, got into a screaming match at an ice cream shop at the Jersey Shore. Apparently, the Governor wanted sprinkles.
- Today is No Bra Day. Which explains why things on The View seemed a bit uneven.
Who the hell is One Direction and why do they make me feel all funny inside? Nothing this infectious has come out of London since the Bubonic plague. Maybe that’s what makes them beautiful.
The British boy band sold their souls to the Devil in early 2011 and it has paid off. Nobody has had this many girls thrown at them since the 2000 National Cheerleading Championship (The great cheerleader surge after Bring It On came out). In a recent interview Liam Payne confirmed that the one direction that their name refers to is Hell.
The rumor is that the subliminal messages in One Direction’s music are creating an army of mouth-breathing drones to erase the balance of good and evil so that Hell can become the new Earth (Much like the plot of Little Nicky).
Now these arrogant Fish and Chip eating children are walking around with more cockness than Ron Jeremy. Recently, Louis Tomlinson got Sandusky insurance. Which is when a young male gets his butt insured.
These soulless monsters have even outraged Justin Beiber, who accuses the band of stealing his hairstyle.
We might be experiencing end of days. I’m freaked out. The Mayans were right. When are the locusts coming?